I ATE 7000 CALORIES IN 20MINS (AND I COULDN'T STOP)

This wasn’t a competitive hot dog eating contest.

Or a mukbang.

But it was a situation I had surprisingly little control over, despite thinking I knew much better.

So read on…

Let’s rewind back to 2018: I was still trawling the gym floor of Nuffield Health, much too comfortable to change too much, yet feeling the spectre of quiet desperation creep up on me, as it dawned on me that I might be sacrificing my time for money (forever)

It was at this point I took my first tentative steps into the online world, at a time before apps like Trainerize existed (or at least they weren’t widely used) and there was still a high level of scrutiny with regards to the utility of remote coaching.

As with all nascent businesses, there was an endless checklist of things to tick off before I “went public” and started advertising for my first online clients.

And on top of this list, photos of me, my own social proof, to represent my digital product and display a (somewhat) friendly face.

This whole idea was extremely rushed; I didn’t really know what I was doing, and back then had no idea about marketing, copy, selling and didn’t even know the right way to take payments.

As such, when the opportunity came to get my first business photos done, I realised that while I wasn’t “out of shape” I wasn’t in the kind of shape I felt would best encourage interest into my services.

A rapid turnaround was needed.

A crash diet.

So after hastily booking my photo session with a photographer in North London, I started an extreme and consistently uncomfortable diet: extremely low carbs, teeny portion sizes and an aggressive level of cardio and activity.

I allowed myself one cheat meal a week to retain some semblance of motivation and satiety (this was normally pasta and a baguette) and the rest of the time I did my best to stay rigidly on plan, all the while thoughts of food and eating and stopping all together interrupted my every thought.

As those of you who have attempted crash diets before you’ll know, at some point your mind starts fucking with you.

This starts to happen well past the point your body has been fighting you, and as a last stand your synapses fire off one by one to prevent you from sleeping, concentrating or ever being in a good mood.

I was so low on energy – after about 4 weeks of this crash diet – that I almost fainted walking home from work and had to hold onto someone’s car for a few seconds just to sturdy myself.

In any case, limping across the finish line as I was, the day of the photo op came.

And not a moment too fucking soon I can tell you.

My plan was to fast on the day to keep my stomach tight and come back to seriously INDULGE.

And put the angst of dieting behind me while I waited for the photos to emerge.

(As a quick aside – I’m not super comfortable having my photo taken – all the best photos of me are when I wasn’t aware there was a camera on me)

Anyway…

I finally came back after the photoshoot and had already put my Dominoes order in: two large pizzas with dip.

But that’s not all.

I had already pur-chased a whole chocolate cake from the supermarket as an accoutrement, and that was already dwelling in the fridge, waiting for me.

The first pizza didn’t last long.

In fact, it literally lasted about two minutes.

I’ve never – never – inhaled food that fast and the alarming thing is now I know I’d almost always end up leaving two slices to one side.

But it had barely even touched the sides.

The second pizza hardly put up a fight; it went as fast as the first one. Bear in mind these were large pizzas too – I wasn’t going to shortchange myself!

I remember thinking, at the end of the second pizza, that it was a shame I hadn’t got myself MORE savoury items.

Nonetheless it was a short pause, and I swiftly moved onto the chocolate cake.

Bruce Bogtrotter had nuthin’ on me that day.

All in: 7000 calories.

20mins down.

And I still wasn’t completely sated.

What is the meaning behind this story?

Well firstly, it is true, hardly something I’d tell to impress people but it does – effectively I feel – illustrate the inevitable outcome of crash dieting.

When the reality is a consistent, longer term and infinitely more comfortable approach delivers VASTLY superior outcomes, with a much better way of living in the midst of it.

My training suffered.

My work suffered.

I lost 4 weeks of my life only thinking about food.

And to top it off? My photos didn’t look great.

I was flat, carb-depleted and had lost a lot of muscle around my chest, arms and shoulders.

If I ‘d given myself more time, done things properly, this would have been avoided.

If you’re someone who thinks faster = better.

Who thinks extreme = extreme result.

You’re wrong.

You can’t game the system.

You can’t cheat biology.

And you can’t make up for impatience with an acute level of extreme effort.

If you’re someone that has never locked in to the point your weekends look like your weekdays, and you only view your physique goals and habits as an aid to a singular holiday, event or date.

Then I’m talking to you.

January 2026 is just around the corner.

Forget about sprinting to a crushing defeat.

Start thinking about jogging and celebrating a proper photo finish.